December 26, 1997

a couple days ago i stayed at my grandma's house for a night. i used to live there before i moved to my parents' house right after i graduate high school.
there is too many dark and never-used-rooms, including the library (it was my favorite part of the house by the way). i remember i got lost once and locked up by myself in nowehere's room when i was just a little girl. it made me bursted out of tears, but there'd be no ears able to hear my loudest scream and nobody would even realise i was gone. i had my first sighting experience in this old house. well it's preety classic and i bet it's haunted as well hehehehe. oh such a memory. this house holds so much memories, keeping family secrets tight through generations. atta unsar thu in himinam weihnai namo thein qimai thiudinassus theins warthai wilija theins swe in himina jah ana airthai hlaif unsarana thana sinteinan gif uns himma daga jah aflet uns thatei skulans sijaima swaswe jah weis afletam thaim skulam unsaraim jah ni briggais uns in fraistubnjai ak lausei uns of thamma ubilin unte theina ist thiudangardi jah mahts jah wuithus in aiwins. surprisingly, i found my old diary inside of a shoebox in that library, i remember i've wrote thirteen of them between uhh 1994-1998. each of every books represent the processes of diverse mind-settings in my pre-adolescent hueheuhe. there's only one book left in the shoebox though, it's written Books Forever, September 1997 in the front tittle. it's the most peculiar flashback to read the diary i've wrote when i was 14 hahahah. most of the writing i found in Books forever is about how i questioned God and the holly bible, typical teenager thoughts for i was only between 13 or 14. well, in that odd-sarcastic diary, it clearly shows i was still in the likeness of jew, buddha, catholic orthodox, passionately studied any kinds of religion/culture/spells/occult including wicca and gothics. every writings, every lyrics, poems, even love-letters i wrote in that book are dark and bleeding. i forgot how bitter i am at that time. anyone can tell by the writing that i was very much angry to the world's hideous plot. hmphh..thank goodness i've past those times. rough times being a fighter and solo. oh i have landed from spacetown war with my funky spaceship and gather to join with you all human race. now i can just sit down, lay back, and relax! aaahh..life is warm. hello, colour tv+better couch+vinyl+potato chips+Qmagz+corona! munchy munchy! tee-hee!


just one of those odd writings :

I met her in the park, last long winter. She was sitting in the middle of dancing autumn leaves. She looked at me. I looked at her and smile. So sad eyes, that pale beautiful woman had. I shivered but try to reach her. I need to brush her long-brunette curly hair with my own hands. But she didn't care, she was too busy of being quietly still.. with narrowed view over the pigeons, spread their wings and died. they spread their wings and died.
Silence were everywhere. Time was slowing by.. tick-tack. I watched her in every gesture.. tick..tack. Then i felt my own gesture, as my eyes were slowly closed. Darkness never causes the light. The pale beautiful woman turned at me, and gave me the pittiest smile. I looked down, and i saw her pale frosted finger wearing an orange ring. I closed my eyes so she can be me for nine seconds
It was not easy at all to sing christmas carol in that cold. Read the bible. Having yuletide for two. Banshee. Gave her a bless.. i started to raise a tone in my lala. She reacted only by lifting her right leg, showed me the contradiction between her pale-pale long legs and her dark-dark synthetic boots. somehow remind me to the one i care..
She turned and looked at me in the cloudiest sudden. I spoke. "What is precious, miss gorgeous ?" She narrowed back to the falling pigeons. "The stars, the breeze, the blueberry pie..." Her teardrops smile in a gloomy way. Nothing is rainbow.
"Any favorite tune ?"
" Yes. The heavy rain with thunder that follows."
She smiled a little bit more. Cry a little bit strange
I hugged her. I said to her i'm willing to heal her pain
But she was barely moved. Not once. She was too busy of being quietly still. She turned and said to me, "It's all too late for me. I am sixteen months late to the ballroom. What took you so long, hope?"
She was there but already gone. A lost, pale, and frightened Jamima. She was never ready yet, she was so beautiful..
"A preety mercy, purple nails. Why i no longer have colours on my lips? Why is there blood? That kills my dog. That wets my sister's heart. "
She still barely moved
I let go my frosty hands from the old cloth wrapped her skinny bones
There was nothing but silence. There goes nirvana, chances, the holly light
"Jesus was borned yesterday to be told, i am sorry.. you should have not died the next day.”
Then i just left and ended it, on a cold December 26.


the above writing has been through words’ editing due to the convenience of all readers. it's for your reading only. it's for your reading only. it's for your reading only. *repeating*

once upon a time, there lived an ugly little duckling

Oh honey, i wish i can give you the best day of my life. But i already gave it to another boy, many times ago
Oh my caramel rain, i wish i could give you all that i have. but someone else has already stole a half of my soul.
He will always possesed that part of me forever.
Millie.. Look, my hands are bleeding. I've wrote too many songs before, i can't even cast a spell on you
Bashful loverboy.. kissing with you almost taste like a girl scoutt's first kiss. Sweet and minty, but not too salty. Tender, like a cotton candy. you pushed your lips to mine, amphetamine.. you taste just like amphetamine
But i will never forget somebody else's kiss instead.. for every 1001 kisses will always taste his lips..
i am the ugliest duckling
i see the sun is green
Will you still look out for me ?
Won't you still cherish me the way i am ?
or am i still your future in the house we build together..
love is colour blind
i didn't realize the sun was yellow
if you leave me now
i will lost everything that i have. well, i don't have much left inside
I hope the angels spoke the truth, you're the antidote for a panic rush
Please, never talk about our wounded hearts. cos hearts were made to be broken
Lullaby crystal, the world is so fake, but you're so real..
Oh silly milly, i wish i can be the rock upon which you stand. But i'm already being the rock upon which he's standing
Oh honey.. i would die to give you the best day of my life. Give me back, give me back..
(I will always look out for you, cherish you)
(every moment we spend will be the best days for you and me)
(you are the woman, the unfaithfull tinkerbell daisy. you're always be the woman)
He is the boy, the electrifying lonely sweetheart. He will always be the boy...

culhat. pake huruf l bukan r

rasisme masih terjadi di indo! beberapa waktu yg lalu bokap gw mo bikin paspor, padahal dtng ke kantor imigrasinya juga ber-bnyk orng, brng beberapa sanak sodara...eh masih aja lho dimintain surat bukti kewarganegaraan. muka2 sodara bokap gw sih emang sdikit cepawececihwesangyi..tapi bokap kan item, mata belo, pokonya tipikal wajah indonesia sekali deh. walopun nyokapnya asli jebolan negara sosialis itu (males nyebut nama negaranya). ah bangke ni, gw kira perlakuan yg berbeda ini sudah berlalu... hueheuehueheuehu. bertaun2 yg lalu seh, pas gw bikin paspor emang masih ky gitu..(skrng tu paspor dah gw gunting2) tp skrng?! klo mo beres, mesti dikasih 'uang roko' yg lumayan bisa beli 2 cd mogwai import. sedangkan oknum2 berdarah abstrak lainnya seperti nyokap gw, kynya beliau biasa aja dlm sgala urusan mengenai administrasi. betul2 ga ada kesulitan deh, lancar total. ga ky gw sih..yg masih dimintain surat bukti kewarganegaraan waktu daftar kuliah.. ahahahahahahah bangsadh. adakah perbedaan strata yg transeden antara anak keturunan dgn blasteran negri tulip ? sampai2 perbedaan perlakuan regulasi administratif antara nyokap dgn bokap tu beda bgt. masalah ini smakin personal, karna merambat ke urusan2 pekerjaan yg menyangkut jenjang karir. dgn sgala kesulitan dan hambatan yg dihadapi bokap gw, sbg sesama warga tak murni, nyokap punya jauh lebih bnyk kesempatan ketimbang bokap! naaaah, sbnrnya masalah ini yg bikin gw agak ngeri. sbg anak yg akhirnya memiliki setengah darah negeri mie ayam (gw ga bisa mikir istilah lain!) ..apakah gw jg bakal seperti bokap? wah, parno tuh. bisa ga ya klo gw cuma mendeklarasikan setengah darah gw lainnya (dari nyokap)? masalahnya..ni muka bisa diganti ga?? maksud gw gini, gw ga bisa dagang ato bisnis2 kayak nit-not gitu. satu2nya pekerjaan yg bisa gw bayangkan itu cuma bekerja sebagai pegawai. mental indonesia bgt yah? abis lahir dan besar disini! mudah2an aja asal-usul gw ga dipermasalahkan. ah menyebalkan, aku kan cinta indonesia hiks. eh ga juga deng, harga bensin naik terus disini. tapi beneran deh, klo bisa ganti muka, mauuuuuuuu donk. lagipula saya benar2 merasa tdk cantik karna bercampur aduk gini..(lho! malah curhat) lalu perbedaan perlakuan terhadap gw dan keluarga gw.. sepertinya hanya sekedar menegaskan klo gw ini ga bisa sama...hueeeeeee. a-a-aaaaahui!
*bersin* alhamdulilah..

oversize pornstar, i will love you

Aside from any religion, i believe in love of humanity. I wouldn't throw a party on my own funeral to celebrate how lucky i am to go home straight back to heaven and to leave this sin forever, eventually. or would i ? I believe in love because i know by heart that there are no saints or bibles could explain enough to us how Almighty God is. God is beyond every human minds of how they thought they knew and way beyond their notions too. I hold on to the love because i believe that even a juvenille prosecutor or an oversize porn star, aborigins or mongolians, jewish or orthodox, has a shot to win the last ticket to paradise. My idea may not the most popular one and all i got is simply love to share with. But then again, doesn't everyone ? Happy idul fitri, guys! With lots of love.